Back in the United States of America

   

    Back in the United States of America

My welcome home van :)

    I didn't want to do this. I was (am) nervous about it. I don't know if I can find the right words. It has been over a month now since I have been back the the US and I have not written a single blog post. To most people that may not seem like a big deal but it has been something that I have been wrestling with for awhile now.

    I have been feeling a lot. Processing a lot. Trying to wrap my mind around a lot. People have asked me how I have been since getting back and I find myself struggling to answer that question fully or casually. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying that I miss Zambia and long to be there but sometimes that's where I'm at. I don't want to bore people by rambling about random stuff that they can't relate to but sometimes that's all I want to talk about. I don't want to constantly compare the two drastically different places that I have lived in but sometimes I can't help it.

   Some of the hardest moments though is when my heart is heavy and I look at the people around me and just think, "they have no idea". In those moments I feel completely alone. No matter where the people around me have travelled in the world or what they have done they do not and can never truly understand. There is not one person in this world who knows my heart fully. Who knows what I was feeling as I waved goodbye to my family or was swarmed by hugs from kids that I may never see again. No one understands what it was like for me to see the African sky for the first time or sit in a plane and fly away from the place that I have come to love so dearly. No one understands what it was like for me to sit on a dirt floor in a Zambian house and eat inshima which the host had excitedly prepared. All of these feelings and experiences are mine but not only mine. There is one who truly understands me.

    As I was walking through my neighborhood and lifting these emotions up to the Lord I felt him whisper to me, "You are not alone. I understand." God was with me when I said goodbye to both my family and Zambia and every moment in between. He knows what I felt when I entered the Macha hospital for the first time. He knows what it meant to me to sit in church as voices of praise went up an another language. He knows what it was like for me to stand in front of a bunch of kids excited to play disc golf and share what He had laid on my heart. The Lord was with me always. He knows me and my heart better than anyone else on this planet. He is my constant. He meets me right where I am. No matter what I am feeling or wrestling with He is in the midst of it all. In this I find great comfort. This is something that I have to remind myself daily.

One of the best days of my life- 
being reunited with my family after
being away fro three months. 

   I have been hesitant to write since coming back for many reasons. One of them being, I don't want to sound ungrateful or have a pity party. Life is not always going to be easy. This season is exciting and I have a ton to be grateful for but is has not come without it's own challenges. And that is okay. This is my story and I am going to continue to tell it the best way that I can even if that means talking about struggles. This is life. Feeling super thankful that the Lord is with me. I have no idea where I would be without Him! 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.   

Deuteronomy 31:8